Inter-cultural Marriages

Meet Mrs.Preeti Jain Iyer – a Marwari, who has lived all her life in Calcutta, now married to a Tamilian, born and brought up in Mumbai. A symbol of Nation Integration, wouldn’t you say? But people like Preeti are not few and far between, in fact inter-cultural marriages are on a rise in today’s urban India.

As people leave their hometowns in search of greener pastures, it is natural that they gravitate towards others who have common beliefs and values, so what if their cultural backgrounds are not same. It is no surprise that these young and mobile Indians choose to marry outside of their community. While this is great for National Integrity, as Chetan Bhagat points out in his famous “2 States”, and it can be very romantic and exciting to love someone different, don't let the attraction of forbidden love distract you from the challenges that an inter-cultural marriage brings along. Don't fall into the myth of thinking that your love for one another can overcome anything life throws at you. Small efforts to prepare for possible challenges will go a long way in making the marriage more fulfilling.

Some Challenges:

Language Barrier: When couples from different communities tie the knot, it is likely that their mother-tongues are different. And even when the couple might be able to communicate in a common language, many have trouble fitting in with the in-laws because they are unable to follow the language. People might feel left out or even side-lined when they don’t know what the others are discussing. And try as you might, the tendency of people to revert to their mother tongue at times of stress cannot be altogether eradicated. Hans, a Dutch man who married a Bengali woman once asked his mother-in-law what “Chhaagol” (goat) means, because that what his wife called him every time they had an argument!

Differences in Values: Most cultures have their own value system, for example, in certain cultures extended families and social expectations are given more importance than in others. It is possible that your spouse may not be very “traditional” in his approach and yet s/he might instinctively subscribe to some of the values s/he has grown up seeing. Every time Venkatesh (Preeti’s husband) met someone from his wife’s family he was expected to bend down touch their feet to ask for blessings, so what if the person was Preeti’s Maternal Aunt’s Co-sister’s Brother-in-Law!

Religious Conflicts: If your spouse of her/his family wants you to convert and take up their religion think long and hard about your religious values and the importance it holds in your life. Do also reflect about what expectations they might have of you in future, before you take the plunge.

And even if there is no pressure to convert, if you choose to marry someone from a different religion, chances are that there might be disagreements in the way festivals are celebrated, holidays are spent and even what the children are named.Fatima, who married a Punjabi, was never asked to give up her religious beliefs but the problem arose when Karva chauth was in the month of Ramzan. She was at a dilemma whether she should open her fast after sun-set or after moon-rise!

Sex Role Expectations: Along with differences in values, there are often varying sex-role expectations in different cultures. Coming from a liberated Kannadiga family Sharmila couldn’t bear to be dressed as a Christmas tree, donning all her jewels and covering her head with the “pallu” of her saree when she visited her in-laws in their small UP village. While she still made her peace with the expected attire, she couldn’t understand why all the village women gave her dirty looks when she addressed her younger brother-in-law by his first name!

Economic Adjustments: Although a factor in most marriages, due to differences in financial status, economic adjustments can be magnified in inter-cultural marriages if there is a difference in the way finances are handled and decisions are made. Some cultures focus on savings more than others and when Priya’s husband wouldn’t feel comfortable spending on a flat screen TV, she realized that it was because of his upbringing that made him shun expenditure on luxuries.

Fear of Abandonment by Family, Friends, Spouse: Vishal’s parents were very unhappy when their only son decided to marry a hard-core non-vegetarian, and he was afraid his parents would never be comfortable living in his home where his wife cooked non-vegetarian food.
In situations where one goes against their parents’ wishes there is always a fear of being cut-off from the rest of the family. Even in situations where the parents give their consent, the individual may fear that there might be a gap that may never be bridged. In a lot of situations it’s not just the individual but even the whole family that might be abandoned –when Fatima’s cousin got married, she was shocked to find out that her parents were not even invited only because they allowed their daughter to marry outside the community.

To overcome these barriers, intercultural couples need to:

Learn about one another's cultures: Every culture has their own way of doing things and the best way to avoid future surprises it to learn as much as possible about the other culture. If possible spend some time getting to know your partner’s family and their way of doing things.
Discuss your cultural differences regarding topics such as religion, diet, birth control, parenting preferences, grief, finances, sex, extended family relationships, gender roles, communication styles, and traditions.The more you know, the easier things get.

Communicate well in at least one language: In a country like India, where the dialect is said to change every 200 Kilometres, it is quite likely that there will be linguistic differences in an intercultural marriage. Since communication is the key to any successful relationship, it is imperative that both partners speak a common language. It would be ideal if one could speak or at least follow in the partner’s mother tongue, but being able to express one’s feelings in a common language is vital.

Accept that cultural roots go deep and that people don't change easily or quickly.One’s basic beliefs and values are often closely linked with their upbringing and what they have seen in their family of origin. Often these are deeply ingrained and difficult to change.
It is possible for a person to change or adapt their outward behaviour, but often the core values may not change. For example, one might change their dressing style but they are likely to continue to hold on to the value they give to religion or finances.

Focus on the positives: Unlike fairy-tales, marriage is not a “happily ever after”, but the beginning of a journey that has its ups and its downs. So on a difficult day, count the blessings. Focus on the good things in your partner, the small things they might do for you, the times they would have supported you. In fact, every time your partner does something nice for you, tuck it away in your memory to retrieve at a time when you are upset.

Look at what you have in common: Focus on factors that unite rather than ones that divide – for example, perhaps you both have the same goals in life, or maybe you both share common values with regard to finances, or raising children. Smaller differences may arise, but as long as you keep in mind the larger similarities, differences can be overcome.

Talk with one another about which traditions they want to carry on as a couple and with your children. Each person might have some aspects of their culture or family tradition that is close to their heart – if there is something important to you that you wish to pass on to your children, discuss and negotiate with your partner. Do keep in mind that you partner may also have traditions that s/he may want to pass on, so keep the discussion open and perhaps you can frame a unique combination of cultures that your children can follow!

Discuss their expectations in the areas of mealtimes, holidays, finances, sex, chores and roles. As mentioned earlier each family and culture may have differences and its best to discuss and be aware of them beforehand. Get to understand your spouse’s expectations in terms of what the children will be called, which festivals will be celebrated and how etc. Also discuss the expectations from one another in terms of roles and responsibilities.

Also keep in mind that regardless of the preparation, there might be a bad day or a time when you feel overwhelmed. At such times speak to a trusted person to gain objectivity and to vent the emotions. You could also contact our counsellors for confidential and professional assistance.

Parents and Adult Children

The bond between parent and child is a very special one. Parents invest much of the most productive years of their lives with their children – providing for them, taking care of their physical needs, showering love and affection on them, and of course disciplining them. They share their children’s joys, burst with pride over their successes and are deeply distressed when their children experience sorrow or pain. Parents do whatever they can to instil good values in their children and hope that they will grow up to be competent, happy, good human beings. In the process, parents may make a lot of sacrifices for their children – which they do out of love.

Children in turn love their parents, depend on them, respect and honor them, and (most of the time!) obey them. They turn to them in times of difficulty, knowing deep down that parents always have their best interest at heart.

All this is fairly clear and well-understood when children are… well, children; when they are physically, emotionally and financially dependent on their parents. But what happens when the ‘child’ becomes an adult? Does the relationship remain the same? Should it?

The old saying goes ‘A daughter is a daughter all her life’, and the fact is, this also applies to sons and to fathers and mothers. The parent-child relationship WILL go on right through one’s life – it is a special bond that cannot be compared with any other.

The problem arises when it is assumed that the relationship will not change in any way. Grown up sons or daughters cannot relate to parents in the same way as they did when they were children. They will now need to make their own decisions, be independent, handle their own problems and bring up their own families. They no longer have to obey their parents, although they certainly need to be grateful, to honor, respect and of course love them.

Making the transition can be difficult both for the ‘child’ as well as for the parents. How do they adjust to a new type of relationship without compromising on the love and affection they share? Both sides will have to take certain steps.

What can you as an 'adult child' do to maintain your relationship with parents?

Make sure you spend time with them. If you live in the same house, set aside some time to chat with them and listen to them. If you live in a separate home, then visit regularly, call or email. Even if you live very far away, email, telephones and ‘Skype’ can keep you connected. It’s amazing how people of all ages are willing to learn new technological skills if they will help them stay connected with children and grandchildren!

Share what’s going on in your life. Your parents looked at your kindergarten scribbling with so much joy and pride – they are still waiting to hear all about what you are doing. Even if they do not understand all about your work, they are still interested in knowing about your successes and would like to know what’s happening in your family life.

Ask them for their opinions and advice. In India we have always given tremendous value to older people, and this is a tradition well worth continuing. Older people have so much life experience. Your parents may not be in tune with all the intricate challenges that you face in your career, but they do have wisdom that comes from facing life’s ups and downs. Why lose out on this? It will also help them realize that you still value them.

Express love and gratitude in whatever way seems most appropriate to you and to them. Expensive gifts are less valued than time, and evidence that you are thinking of them.

But….

As an adult, you must also tactfully help your parents realize that you are now an independent, mature individual. You will have to communicate that while you would like your parents’ opinions and advice, you must make your own decisions. If you are married, then you and your spouse will have to take many decisions together which will affect your future, and these may not always be in line with what your parents want you to do. You will also need to spend time with your spouse and children, without your parents.

This may not be easy, but if you continue to show love and respect as indicated above, it will help them not to feel rejected. You may have to be firm and not give in even if parents repeatedly pressurize you to do things their way. They mean it for the best, but it is you and your family who will have to live with the consequences. Remember that now that you are and adult, you can (and should) show your gratitude to your parents by loving and respecting them, but not necessarily by obeying them.

And of course, you cannot expect to be treated like a mature adult if you keep running back to your parents to ‘rescue’ you – whether financially or emotionally.

If you are the parent of an ‘adult child’:
Do remember that your ‘child’ is now grown up. You have put your best efforts into bringing him or her up. It is now time to let them go and trust that all that you did when they were growing up will pay off now. Don’t think that they are rejecting you –just because they need to live their own lives now it doesn’t mean that they do not love you. But now that you are not responsible for their well-being, they can be more like friends to you.

Some hints:
Give advice when you are asked for it. There may be many times when you are sure that you know better. Try to wait until you are asked for your opinion and even then, do not insist that they follow your advice. Sometimes you will have to allow them to make their own mistakes. And perhaps next time they will ask you sooner!

Don’t over-protect them. Perhaps your son/daughter is not earning very much and cannot afford the luxuries they were used to. Don’t rush in to buy whatever they need or give them a loan. It will be good for them to learn to manage – this helps them become stronger and more resilient. Of course there may be a real emergency when you may have to help but this should not be the norm. Similarly don’t be too ready to step in and fight their battles for them – this especially applies to your married children.

Give them space: they need to spend time with their spouse, their children, friends of their own ages. This is natural, and it does not mean that you do not matter to them.

Enjoy your free time! Now that your children are grown up, your life no longer needs to revolve around your children. This is your opportunity to take up a hobby that you had no time for when you were busy running a home. Pick up that musical instrument, gardening or doing volunteer work. Perhaps you could travel and see parts of the country or the world that you have never been to. Get in touch with friends and relatives and spend time with them. Instead of focusing on the ‘empty nest’, think of all you can do with your free time as a couple, not just as parents. This applies even if your grown children live at home.

Let your children know that you are available: Your children will always appreciate the unconditional love that you as a parent can give them. Don’t insist that they come as a duty. But when you are a refuge where they can come and be rejuvenated, they will come home to you.

In many families there have been hurts and problems during the growing up years. Parents may have been too strict or too lenient. Perhaps one child felt that the parents favored the other sibling. There may have been some form of abuse in the family. One or both parents may have been distant or even absent. Parents may have had their own marital problems or have been separated / divorced with subsequent impact on the children.

Grown children will need to forgive their parents, recognizing that they are only human and therefore would have made mistakes. Holding on to grievances only leads to bitterness and unhappiness. If you are in such a situation and find it hard to let go, counseling could help.

Deciding to Have a Baby?

Traditionally in India, a couple was expected to start a family as soon as they were married.

But now more and more couples are waiting for a while to decide when, if at all to have a baby. If you are in this position, here are some questions that you and your partner could discuss together.

• Are both of you ready for parenthood? It's a good idea to wait for at least a year after marriage so that you have time to establish your relationship as a couple.
• Do you want to have a child? If so, why?
• Can you afford a baby? This is as much a matter of values as one of income. Much depends on what you consider essentials. You need not wait to have lots of money, but does at least one of you have a secure job with a steady income? Will the company pay maternity bills? If not do you have enough saved? Will you get financial help from your parents? Are both of you agreed on this? As your child grows you will also have to think of finances for educational needs.
• When is the best time to have a baby? This is a highly individual issue. Having a child in your twenties seems to be ideal from the point of health and energy, but this is also the time when you are getting settled in a career. Older parents have the advantage of greater maturity. Do keep in mind how old you will be by the time your child is financially independent. Also at a later stage, career responsibilities may be greater and it may be more difficult to put aside time needed for parenting.
• How many kids do you want? How far apart?
• Are you prepared to make changes in your lifestyle? For e.g. your pattern of socializing may change dramatically. You will have less free time for yourselves. (Of course you could get a lot of pleasure out of time spent with the baby.
• If you belong to different religions, castes, communities or races-how will this child be brought up?
• If both of you are working, to what maternity leave and other benefits are you entitled? Will you continue working after the baby arrives? If so what childcare arrangements will you make?

There are no right and wrong answers - use these questions to spark off your thinking and discussion. If you decide to go ahead...... HAPPY PARENTING! This will be one of the most demanding but also most rewarding and fulfilling experiences in your life.

Sharing household responsibilities

Let’s face it – no one enjoys doing ALL the housework ALL the time. Even if you want to be the best homemaker or the MOST considerate and loving partner, doing all the chores can bog you down. In fact, the fatigue from doing so much can get the better of you and make you upset, frustrated, cranky, and even resentful of your partner… and this can hamper your relationship.

To avoid putting your relationship at a risk, and to avoid feeling as if you are doing everything in the house, sharing household responsibilities can help. While this might sound like a good deal, getting partners to happily participate in household work is not an easy task. Effectively communicating your perspective and planning mutually convenient schedules are keys to working around this concern.

A lot of us tend to follow or do the same things that we saw in our own homes while growing up. However, over the years with more dual career couples emerging, traditional roles and responsibilities become tougher to cater to. Making conscious efforts to work out plans that are more suitable to your living arrangements is helpful.

Note: Dividing household chores does not necessarily mean that both partners need to do a 50-50 share of all the tasks. In fact it is usually difficult to make such an equal division. You can work towards an overall sense of equity - it is helpful to keep in mind each one’s schedule and the kind of resources one has, to allot tasks that can be fit in comfortably. Think of factors like: Are both of you working full-time? Which one of you is more mobile or has easier access to the grocery stores, bank, bill-payment centers, etc.?

Once you are armed with such information, you can get down to making the task list. Some points to keep in mind…

DO’S:

1. MAKE A LIST: the first and most important step of dividing household work is to identify all the tasks that need to be done. You can make this list as exhaustive as you want as that can ensure that none of the tasks are left unattended… like taking out the garbage, putting away old newspapers, feeding/grooming pets, buying grocery, going to the bank, paying bills, etc.
2. PICK WHAT YOU LIKE: after you are done with the list, each of you can start picking out the tasks that you like/can get done easier. This can, to some extent, ensure that no one feels forced to do their chores, and also that things get done faster.
3. DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH ‘HATED’ TASKS: If there are still tasks left on your list, these are most probably the ones that neither of you enjoy/want to do. Nonetheless, these need to be done. Can you get external help for these? Would you both be able to do them on a rotation basis?
4. WORK AS A TEAM: even though both of you have decided which of the tasks you would like to do, there may be times when one of you may not be able to tend to your chores. Cooperating and chipping in for each other can take care of these occasional hurdles.

DON’T’S:

1. NAG: following your partner around and telling them to get to the tasks that they have agreed to do, will definitely be detrimental to the whole plan. Each one has their own pace and style of doing things and it is important to give them this space. If you feel that keeping a tab on each other is important, can you try keeping a checklist? You could list down the most essential tasks and go over it at the beginning or end of the day.
2. CONTROL OR MICROMANAGE: expecting another person to do tasks exactly the way we do it can be unrealistic. Refolding bed sheets, re-stacking the dishes, or giving directions on every step of operating a washing machine can put your partner off. It gives out the message that he/she is not doing it the ‘right’ way. If you try to control, it is most likely that you would end up having to do it on your own!
3. TIT FOR TAT: Doing a sloppy job or not doing your tasks at all since your partner didn’t do his/hers can breakdown the system that you are trying to build. Instead, if you feel that your partner is not being sincere with their share of work, it is important to talk it out and work towards a solution. 
4. GET BOGGED DOWN BY OTHERS’ OPINIONS: You may find that family or friends pass comments about the way you manage your home, especially if it is different from the ‘traditional’ division of chores. You may need to learn how to respond politely but firmly indicating that this is a system that works well for both of you.

Over time, priorities, circumstances and resources may change...and if you begin to feel bogged down; it may be time to review your division of tasks. Being flexible with your plans and open to incorporating new ideas can make household work less daunting!

Life after divorce - immediate effect

So the worst has happened. Divorce is something that you thought happens to other people, something that you have privately in your heart thought ‘will never happen to me’, because in some magical way YOU will be able to solve whatever that is wrong in your marriage. But perhaps after a very difficult time in the marriage, and even worse time during the divorce, you have become what something that you never thought you would be...A Divorcee

The end of a marriage either by death or by divorce is very painful. It doesn’t matter who initiated the end or what contributed to the marriage ending this way, you would probably be ridden with a deep sense of guilt of doing something that resulted in this end (or perhaps of not doing what was necessary.) People sometimes feel guilty about things not in their control also. People feel guilt about their spouses being unfaithful, and even sometimes of their spouses abusing us. This guilt though irrational, can torment you.

You can also feel anger. You can be angry with your spouse, angry with the other people in the situation, and even angry with yourself for being in this situation. This anger often comes from a feeling of helplessness, of being in a situation that you cannot really control or change.

Another series of thoughts that can traumatize a newly divorced person are the “what ifs”. “What if I had married that other proposal that came my way which I rejected because he is not tall enough?”, “What if I was very clear from the beginning that it is not okay to hit me?” or“What if I had refused my colleague’s invitation to drop me home after work that day?” These thoughts can lead to an endless replay of possible scenarios, which does no good because decision has already been made and people have moved on from that moment in time.

The worries of the future can also cause us a lot of misery. Thoughts of “will I ever be happy in my life again”, “will anyone ever love me?” which very often leads onto “do I have anything in me to be loved” and “What is there in my future to be happy about?” Worries of the future can also be intensely pragmatic like about living arrangements, and finances.

People coming through divorces can also find it difficult trusting their judgments. Very often, people feel that they made a drastic error in the judgment with choosing to trust this person who let them down, and they wonder if they are incapable of making good judgments. They begin to second guess every decision they have to make and make decision making difficult.

People dread the thought of becoming a topic of conversation for others. Even though divorce rates in our country are growing, and more and more people are getting divorced every year, we still could be the only one among our relatives, friends and colleagues to be in this situation. A feeling, real or imagined of being ostracized from the society can trouble us.

Meeting family members and friends can also be very difficult. They can be well meaning with their sympathies and their questions about what happened. The prospect of repeatedly telling people what went wrong, their voiced and unvoiced judgments about what we could have done different can irritate us. Even people’s sympathy can also cause us a lot of distress. At that time, very often, one want to be treated as if nothing happened, not as a object of interest, even if it is sympathetic interest. Many divorced people dread meeting people, even close friends and family members because they do not know how to handle this interest. However there could be people in among our family and friends who can offer real comfort and strength and because of this tendency to withdraw from people, it is common to lose out on this support.

Everyone who is going through a divorce may not go through all these thoughts and emotions. Neither is this a complete list of the wave of negative feelings and thoughts that assault us when we decide to get separated from the person we thought we would spend the rest of our life with. But this is a good approximation of some of the feelings that you could experience in such a situation.

When going through a divorce, talking to a counselor helps. A counselor will listen patiently without judging, and can suggest a different perspective on the situation Counseling can help you look at the reasons why you feel the way you do and work out practical ways to cope.

There IS light at the end of this dark tunnel. With time and support, we will be able to deal with everything that happened, move on with our lives and get fully involved with career, families and perhaps new relationships.