Children in turn love their parents, depend on them, respect and honor them, and (most of the time!) obey them. They turn to them in times of difficulty, knowing deep down that parents always have their best interest at heart.
All this is fairly clear and well-understood when children are… well, children; when they are physically, emotionally and financially dependent on their parents. But what happens when the ‘child’ becomes an adult? Does the relationship remain the same? Should it?
The old saying goes ‘A daughter is a daughter all her life’, and the fact is, this also applies to sons and to fathers and mothers. The parent-child relationship WILL go on right through one’s life – it is a special bond that cannot be compared with any other.
The problem arises when it is assumed that the relationship will not change in any way. Grown up sons or daughters cannot relate to parents in the same way as they did when they were children. They will now need to make their own decisions, be independent, handle their own problems and bring up their own families. They no longer have to obey their parents, although they certainly need to be grateful, to honor, respect and of course love them.
Making the transition can be difficult both for the ‘child’ as well as for the parents. How do they adjust to a new type of relationship without compromising on the love and affection they share? Both sides will have to take certain steps.
What can you as an 'adult child' do to maintain your relationship with parents?
Make sure you spend time with them. If you live in the same house, set aside some time to chat with them and listen to them. If you live in a separate home, then visit regularly, call or email. Even if you live very far away, email, telephones and ‘Skype’ can keep you connected. It’s amazing how people of all ages are willing to learn new technological skills if they will help them stay connected with children and grandchildren!
Share what’s going on in your life. Your parents looked at your kindergarten scribbling with so much joy and pride – they are still waiting to hear all about what you are doing. Even if they do not understand all about your work, they are still interested in knowing about your successes and would like to know what’s happening in your family life.
Ask them for their opinions and advice. In India we have always given tremendous value to older people, and this is a tradition well worth continuing. Older people have so much life experience. Your parents may not be in tune with all the intricate challenges that you face in your career, but they do have wisdom that comes from facing life’s ups and downs. Why lose out on this? It will also help them realize that you still value them.
Express love and gratitude in whatever way seems most appropriate to you and to them. Expensive gifts are less valued than time, and evidence that you are thinking of them.
But….
As an adult, you must also tactfully help your parents realize that you are now an independent, mature individual. You will have to communicate that while you would like your parents’ opinions and advice, you must make your own decisions. If you are married, then you and your spouse will have to take many decisions together which will affect your future, and these may not always be in line with what your parents want you to do. You will also need to spend time with your spouse and children, without your parents.
This may not be easy, but if you continue to show love and respect as indicated above, it will help them not to feel rejected. You may have to be firm and not give in even if parents repeatedly pressurize you to do things their way. They mean it for the best, but it is you and your family who will have to live with the consequences. Remember that now that you are and adult, you can (and should) show your gratitude to your parents by loving and respecting them, but not necessarily by obeying them.
And of course, you cannot expect to be treated like a mature adult if you keep running back to your parents to ‘rescue’ you – whether financially or emotionally.
If you are the parent of an ‘adult child’:
Do remember that your ‘child’ is now grown up. You have put your best efforts into bringing him or her up. It is now time to let them go and trust that all that you did when they were growing up will pay off now. Don’t think that they are rejecting you –just because they need to live their own lives now it doesn’t mean that they do not love you. But now that you are not responsible for their well-being, they can be more like friends to you.
Some hints:
Give advice when you are asked for it. There may be many times when you are sure that you know better. Try to wait until you are asked for your opinion and even then, do not insist that they follow your advice. Sometimes you will have to allow them to make their own mistakes. And perhaps next time they will ask you sooner!
Don’t over-protect them. Perhaps your son/daughter is not earning very much and cannot afford the luxuries they were used to. Don’t rush in to buy whatever they need or give them a loan. It will be good for them to learn to manage – this helps them become stronger and more resilient. Of course there may be a real emergency when you may have to help but this should not be the norm. Similarly don’t be too ready to step in and fight their battles for them – this especially applies to your married children.
Give them space: they need to spend time with their spouse, their children, friends of their own ages. This is natural, and it does not mean that you do not matter to them.
Enjoy your free time! Now that your children are grown up, your life no longer needs to revolve around your children. This is your opportunity to take up a hobby that you had no time for when you were busy running a home. Pick up that musical instrument, gardening or doing volunteer work. Perhaps you could travel and see parts of the country or the world that you have never been to. Get in touch with friends and relatives and spend time with them. Instead of focusing on the ‘empty nest’, think of all you can do with your free time as a couple, not just as parents. This applies even if your grown children live at home.
Let your children know that you are available: Your children will always appreciate the unconditional love that you as a parent can give them. Don’t insist that they come as a duty. But when you are a refuge where they can come and be rejuvenated, they will come home to you.
In many families there have been hurts and problems during the growing up years. Parents may have been too strict or too lenient. Perhaps one child felt that the parents favored the other sibling. There may have been some form of abuse in the family. One or both parents may have been distant or even absent. Parents may have had their own marital problems or have been separated / divorced with subsequent impact on the children.
Grown children will need to forgive their parents, recognizing that they are only human and therefore would have made mistakes. Holding on to grievances only leads to bitterness and unhappiness. If you are in such a situation and find it hard to let go, counseling could help.
