Inter-cultural Marriages

Meet Mrs.Preeti Jain Iyer – a Marwari, who has lived all her life in Calcutta, now married to a Tamilian, born and brought up in Mumbai. A symbol of Nation Integration, wouldn’t you say? But people like Preeti are not few and far between, in fact inter-cultural marriages are on a rise in today’s urban India.

As people leave their hometowns in search of greener pastures, it is natural that they gravitate towards others who have common beliefs and values, so what if their cultural backgrounds are not same. It is no surprise that these young and mobile Indians choose to marry outside of their community. While this is great for National Integrity, as Chetan Bhagat points out in his famous “2 States”, and it can be very romantic and exciting to love someone different, don't let the attraction of forbidden love distract you from the challenges that an inter-cultural marriage brings along. Don't fall into the myth of thinking that your love for one another can overcome anything life throws at you. Small efforts to prepare for possible challenges will go a long way in making the marriage more fulfilling.

Some Challenges:

Language Barrier: When couples from different communities tie the knot, it is likely that their mother-tongues are different. And even when the couple might be able to communicate in a common language, many have trouble fitting in with the in-laws because they are unable to follow the language. People might feel left out or even side-lined when they don’t know what the others are discussing. And try as you might, the tendency of people to revert to their mother tongue at times of stress cannot be altogether eradicated. Hans, a Dutch man who married a Bengali woman once asked his mother-in-law what “Chhaagol” (goat) means, because that what his wife called him every time they had an argument!

Differences in Values: Most cultures have their own value system, for example, in certain cultures extended families and social expectations are given more importance than in others. It is possible that your spouse may not be very “traditional” in his approach and yet s/he might instinctively subscribe to some of the values s/he has grown up seeing. Every time Venkatesh (Preeti’s husband) met someone from his wife’s family he was expected to bend down touch their feet to ask for blessings, so what if the person was Preeti’s Maternal Aunt’s Co-sister’s Brother-in-Law!

Religious Conflicts: If your spouse of her/his family wants you to convert and take up their religion think long and hard about your religious values and the importance it holds in your life. Do also reflect about what expectations they might have of you in future, before you take the plunge.

And even if there is no pressure to convert, if you choose to marry someone from a different religion, chances are that there might be disagreements in the way festivals are celebrated, holidays are spent and even what the children are named.Fatima, who married a Punjabi, was never asked to give up her religious beliefs but the problem arose when Karva chauth was in the month of Ramzan. She was at a dilemma whether she should open her fast after sun-set or after moon-rise!

Sex Role Expectations: Along with differences in values, there are often varying sex-role expectations in different cultures. Coming from a liberated Kannadiga family Sharmila couldn’t bear to be dressed as a Christmas tree, donning all her jewels and covering her head with the “pallu” of her saree when she visited her in-laws in their small UP village. While she still made her peace with the expected attire, she couldn’t understand why all the village women gave her dirty looks when she addressed her younger brother-in-law by his first name!

Economic Adjustments: Although a factor in most marriages, due to differences in financial status, economic adjustments can be magnified in inter-cultural marriages if there is a difference in the way finances are handled and decisions are made. Some cultures focus on savings more than others and when Priya’s husband wouldn’t feel comfortable spending on a flat screen TV, she realized that it was because of his upbringing that made him shun expenditure on luxuries.

Fear of Abandonment by Family, Friends, Spouse: Vishal’s parents were very unhappy when their only son decided to marry a hard-core non-vegetarian, and he was afraid his parents would never be comfortable living in his home where his wife cooked non-vegetarian food.
In situations where one goes against their parents’ wishes there is always a fear of being cut-off from the rest of the family. Even in situations where the parents give their consent, the individual may fear that there might be a gap that may never be bridged. In a lot of situations it’s not just the individual but even the whole family that might be abandoned –when Fatima’s cousin got married, she was shocked to find out that her parents were not even invited only because they allowed their daughter to marry outside the community.

To overcome these barriers, intercultural couples need to:

Learn about one another's cultures: Every culture has their own way of doing things and the best way to avoid future surprises it to learn as much as possible about the other culture. If possible spend some time getting to know your partner’s family and their way of doing things.
Discuss your cultural differences regarding topics such as religion, diet, birth control, parenting preferences, grief, finances, sex, extended family relationships, gender roles, communication styles, and traditions.The more you know, the easier things get.

Communicate well in at least one language: In a country like India, where the dialect is said to change every 200 Kilometres, it is quite likely that there will be linguistic differences in an intercultural marriage. Since communication is the key to any successful relationship, it is imperative that both partners speak a common language. It would be ideal if one could speak or at least follow in the partner’s mother tongue, but being able to express one’s feelings in a common language is vital.

Accept that cultural roots go deep and that people don't change easily or quickly.One’s basic beliefs and values are often closely linked with their upbringing and what they have seen in their family of origin. Often these are deeply ingrained and difficult to change.
It is possible for a person to change or adapt their outward behaviour, but often the core values may not change. For example, one might change their dressing style but they are likely to continue to hold on to the value they give to religion or finances.

Focus on the positives: Unlike fairy-tales, marriage is not a “happily ever after”, but the beginning of a journey that has its ups and its downs. So on a difficult day, count the blessings. Focus on the good things in your partner, the small things they might do for you, the times they would have supported you. In fact, every time your partner does something nice for you, tuck it away in your memory to retrieve at a time when you are upset.

Look at what you have in common: Focus on factors that unite rather than ones that divide – for example, perhaps you both have the same goals in life, or maybe you both share common values with regard to finances, or raising children. Smaller differences may arise, but as long as you keep in mind the larger similarities, differences can be overcome.

Talk with one another about which traditions they want to carry on as a couple and with your children. Each person might have some aspects of their culture or family tradition that is close to their heart – if there is something important to you that you wish to pass on to your children, discuss and negotiate with your partner. Do keep in mind that you partner may also have traditions that s/he may want to pass on, so keep the discussion open and perhaps you can frame a unique combination of cultures that your children can follow!

Discuss their expectations in the areas of mealtimes, holidays, finances, sex, chores and roles. As mentioned earlier each family and culture may have differences and its best to discuss and be aware of them beforehand. Get to understand your spouse’s expectations in terms of what the children will be called, which festivals will be celebrated and how etc. Also discuss the expectations from one another in terms of roles and responsibilities.

Also keep in mind that regardless of the preparation, there might be a bad day or a time when you feel overwhelmed. At such times speak to a trusted person to gain objectivity and to vent the emotions. You could also contact our counsellors for confidential and professional assistance.

Deciding to Have a Baby?

Traditionally in India, a couple was expected to start a family as soon as they were married.

But now more and more couples are waiting for a while to decide when, if at all to have a baby. If you are in this position, here are some questions that you and your partner could discuss together.

• Are both of you ready for parenthood? It's a good idea to wait for at least a year after marriage so that you have time to establish your relationship as a couple.
• Do you want to have a child? If so, why?
• Can you afford a baby? This is as much a matter of values as one of income. Much depends on what you consider essentials. You need not wait to have lots of money, but does at least one of you have a secure job with a steady income? Will the company pay maternity bills? If not do you have enough saved? Will you get financial help from your parents? Are both of you agreed on this? As your child grows you will also have to think of finances for educational needs.
• When is the best time to have a baby? This is a highly individual issue. Having a child in your twenties seems to be ideal from the point of health and energy, but this is also the time when you are getting settled in a career. Older parents have the advantage of greater maturity. Do keep in mind how old you will be by the time your child is financially independent. Also at a later stage, career responsibilities may be greater and it may be more difficult to put aside time needed for parenting.
• How many kids do you want? How far apart?
• Are you prepared to make changes in your lifestyle? For e.g. your pattern of socializing may change dramatically. You will have less free time for yourselves. (Of course you could get a lot of pleasure out of time spent with the baby.
• If you belong to different religions, castes, communities or races-how will this child be brought up?
• If both of you are working, to what maternity leave and other benefits are you entitled? Will you continue working after the baby arrives? If so what childcare arrangements will you make?

There are no right and wrong answers - use these questions to spark off your thinking and discussion. If you decide to go ahead...... HAPPY PARENTING! This will be one of the most demanding but also most rewarding and fulfilling experiences in your life.

Sharing household responsibilities

Let’s face it – no one enjoys doing ALL the housework ALL the time. Even if you want to be the best homemaker or the MOST considerate and loving partner, doing all the chores can bog you down. In fact, the fatigue from doing so much can get the better of you and make you upset, frustrated, cranky, and even resentful of your partner… and this can hamper your relationship.

To avoid putting your relationship at a risk, and to avoid feeling as if you are doing everything in the house, sharing household responsibilities can help. While this might sound like a good deal, getting partners to happily participate in household work is not an easy task. Effectively communicating your perspective and planning mutually convenient schedules are keys to working around this concern.

A lot of us tend to follow or do the same things that we saw in our own homes while growing up. However, over the years with more dual career couples emerging, traditional roles and responsibilities become tougher to cater to. Making conscious efforts to work out plans that are more suitable to your living arrangements is helpful.

Note: Dividing household chores does not necessarily mean that both partners need to do a 50-50 share of all the tasks. In fact it is usually difficult to make such an equal division. You can work towards an overall sense of equity - it is helpful to keep in mind each one’s schedule and the kind of resources one has, to allot tasks that can be fit in comfortably. Think of factors like: Are both of you working full-time? Which one of you is more mobile or has easier access to the grocery stores, bank, bill-payment centers, etc.?

Once you are armed with such information, you can get down to making the task list. Some points to keep in mind…

DO’S:

1. MAKE A LIST: the first and most important step of dividing household work is to identify all the tasks that need to be done. You can make this list as exhaustive as you want as that can ensure that none of the tasks are left unattended… like taking out the garbage, putting away old newspapers, feeding/grooming pets, buying grocery, going to the bank, paying bills, etc.
2. PICK WHAT YOU LIKE: after you are done with the list, each of you can start picking out the tasks that you like/can get done easier. This can, to some extent, ensure that no one feels forced to do their chores, and also that things get done faster.
3. DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH ‘HATED’ TASKS: If there are still tasks left on your list, these are most probably the ones that neither of you enjoy/want to do. Nonetheless, these need to be done. Can you get external help for these? Would you both be able to do them on a rotation basis?
4. WORK AS A TEAM: even though both of you have decided which of the tasks you would like to do, there may be times when one of you may not be able to tend to your chores. Cooperating and chipping in for each other can take care of these occasional hurdles.

DON’T’S:

1. NAG: following your partner around and telling them to get to the tasks that they have agreed to do, will definitely be detrimental to the whole plan. Each one has their own pace and style of doing things and it is important to give them this space. If you feel that keeping a tab on each other is important, can you try keeping a checklist? You could list down the most essential tasks and go over it at the beginning or end of the day.
2. CONTROL OR MICROMANAGE: expecting another person to do tasks exactly the way we do it can be unrealistic. Refolding bed sheets, re-stacking the dishes, or giving directions on every step of operating a washing machine can put your partner off. It gives out the message that he/she is not doing it the ‘right’ way. If you try to control, it is most likely that you would end up having to do it on your own!
3. TIT FOR TAT: Doing a sloppy job or not doing your tasks at all since your partner didn’t do his/hers can breakdown the system that you are trying to build. Instead, if you feel that your partner is not being sincere with their share of work, it is important to talk it out and work towards a solution. 
4. GET BOGGED DOWN BY OTHERS’ OPINIONS: You may find that family or friends pass comments about the way you manage your home, especially if it is different from the ‘traditional’ division of chores. You may need to learn how to respond politely but firmly indicating that this is a system that works well for both of you.

Over time, priorities, circumstances and resources may change...and if you begin to feel bogged down; it may be time to review your division of tasks. Being flexible with your plans and open to incorporating new ideas can make household work less daunting!

Life after divorce - immediate effect

So the worst has happened. Divorce is something that you thought happens to other people, something that you have privately in your heart thought ‘will never happen to me’, because in some magical way YOU will be able to solve whatever that is wrong in your marriage. But perhaps after a very difficult time in the marriage, and even worse time during the divorce, you have become what something that you never thought you would be...A Divorcee

The end of a marriage either by death or by divorce is very painful. It doesn’t matter who initiated the end or what contributed to the marriage ending this way, you would probably be ridden with a deep sense of guilt of doing something that resulted in this end (or perhaps of not doing what was necessary.) People sometimes feel guilty about things not in their control also. People feel guilt about their spouses being unfaithful, and even sometimes of their spouses abusing us. This guilt though irrational, can torment you.

You can also feel anger. You can be angry with your spouse, angry with the other people in the situation, and even angry with yourself for being in this situation. This anger often comes from a feeling of helplessness, of being in a situation that you cannot really control or change.

Another series of thoughts that can traumatize a newly divorced person are the “what ifs”. “What if I had married that other proposal that came my way which I rejected because he is not tall enough?”, “What if I was very clear from the beginning that it is not okay to hit me?” or“What if I had refused my colleague’s invitation to drop me home after work that day?” These thoughts can lead to an endless replay of possible scenarios, which does no good because decision has already been made and people have moved on from that moment in time.

The worries of the future can also cause us a lot of misery. Thoughts of “will I ever be happy in my life again”, “will anyone ever love me?” which very often leads onto “do I have anything in me to be loved” and “What is there in my future to be happy about?” Worries of the future can also be intensely pragmatic like about living arrangements, and finances.

People coming through divorces can also find it difficult trusting their judgments. Very often, people feel that they made a drastic error in the judgment with choosing to trust this person who let them down, and they wonder if they are incapable of making good judgments. They begin to second guess every decision they have to make and make decision making difficult.

People dread the thought of becoming a topic of conversation for others. Even though divorce rates in our country are growing, and more and more people are getting divorced every year, we still could be the only one among our relatives, friends and colleagues to be in this situation. A feeling, real or imagined of being ostracized from the society can trouble us.

Meeting family members and friends can also be very difficult. They can be well meaning with their sympathies and their questions about what happened. The prospect of repeatedly telling people what went wrong, their voiced and unvoiced judgments about what we could have done different can irritate us. Even people’s sympathy can also cause us a lot of distress. At that time, very often, one want to be treated as if nothing happened, not as a object of interest, even if it is sympathetic interest. Many divorced people dread meeting people, even close friends and family members because they do not know how to handle this interest. However there could be people in among our family and friends who can offer real comfort and strength and because of this tendency to withdraw from people, it is common to lose out on this support.

Everyone who is going through a divorce may not go through all these thoughts and emotions. Neither is this a complete list of the wave of negative feelings and thoughts that assault us when we decide to get separated from the person we thought we would spend the rest of our life with. But this is a good approximation of some of the feelings that you could experience in such a situation.

When going through a divorce, talking to a counselor helps. A counselor will listen patiently without judging, and can suggest a different perspective on the situation Counseling can help you look at the reasons why you feel the way you do and work out practical ways to cope.

There IS light at the end of this dark tunnel. With time and support, we will be able to deal with everything that happened, move on with our lives and get fully involved with career, families and perhaps new relationships.

Choosing a partner for life

Whether you plan to have an "arranged marriage" or to marry the person of your own choice, it is important to think whether both of you are compatible. Although there is no formula for the perfect partnership, research does indicate some important factors that have an impact on marriage.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself with that special person in mind:

How similar are you in age, interests, values, socioeconomic level, education, religion?
It's not impossible to have a successful marriage when there are major differences, but it is much harder. Some of these factors may not seem very important to you now, but when you are together through the years they may be a source of trouble.

Are your needs, likes and dislikes Complementary" or "Contradictory"?
If one of you likes to talk a lot while the other prefers to listen and observe, you will complement or balance each other and the relationship could remain smooth. But if one partner likes to party every night and the other hates parties and wants to stay at home, they have contradictory needs and frequent conflicts are likely.

Do you find the person attractive?
Feelings of attraction should never be the only basis for choosing a partner, but if there are no positive feelings, this should not be ignored.

Are both of you adaptable?
How willing are you to adjust to differences? Are you willing to do things a little differently if it will make your partner more comfortable?

Are you both emotionally stable?
Are you able to accept your feelings and express them appropriately? Or are you inclined to bottle up your feelings or "blow up" at the least provocation?

Can you communicate freely on a range of subjects?
Are you sensitive to each other and do you understand each others views? Can you say what you really think or are you constantly trying to make a good impression?

Finally, are both of you ready to commit yourselves for a lifetime?
Both of you have to be willing to work at your marriage through good circumstances and bad. That may sound unromantic, but it's the only way to "live happily ever after".

How to strengthen marriage

Our relationships with our spouses have an impact on all areas of our life. How committed and compatible we are and the degree of satisfaction we experience directly affects our productivity. Research indicates that those who are happy at home are less stressed at their workplace.

Here are few points for developing a strong and healthy relationship with your partner.

Communicate with each other. A couple should take time to talk and exchange information, ideas and day-to-day experiences. If as a couple you hardly have time to communicate with each other, do schedule a regular time, which is acceptable to both of you. It could be just before sleeping at dinnertime or as you have your morning tea. You can start off sharing one good thing and one difficult thing about the day. This gives a chance for both to talk and is key to a lasting relationship.

Active listening. Listening forms the core of communication. Too often when we are quiet we are not listening but waiting to reply. Listening involves intently trying to understand what the other is saying. It implies that you comprehend what the other is saying instead of looking for weakness in your mate's argument. Active listening promotes clarity and understanding between the two.

Schedule outings together. Sometimes although we have every intention of spending time with our spouse, we find ourselves driven by a schedule that has us running in every direction, leaving us little time for our most important relationship. Plan your work and responsibilities so that you both have time to go for movies, plays, dinner, an ice-cream or just for a drive.

Show your love and affection. Try to find out what ways your partner likes receiving love from you - it could be undivided attention, time, gifts, cards, personal touch or could be simply verbalizing your emotions. Make a conscious effort to begin showing your love to your spouse.

Consider your partners' interests more important than your own. When each person has decided to give of himself or herself to the other, you form a reciprocating relationship of love, concern, and devotion. When you come to a place where you disagree or where the two of you have differing opinions, try to get to the point where you can consider what your mate likes as more important than what you would like to do. The simple decision to do this goes a long way toward developing a healthy relationship!

Forgive. In some relationships, each partner holds something against the other and both are unwilling to forgive. The fact is that your mate is going to fail you from time to time. We need to understand that. What we do when we get to that point however, is what will make all the difference in the world. In a relationship that is going to last, the people involved are committed to forgiving one another. Those whose relationships last longest, and will be the healthiest, are those who are committed to forgiveness.

Working Wife - issues and remedies

Traditionally men have been the bread-winners and women took care of the home. In today's world large numbers of women are working outside the home and this trend is on the increase. Most men are happy to have working wives. They are glad to have the additional income and proud of their wives? achievements. They may find it easier to discuss work since their wives understand the world of work. And it can be a tremendous relief not to be the sole provider for the family.But there's the down side too. There are fears about how the home will run, lack of time for each other, perhaps even a change in the husband-wife equation. These are very real concerns and it is important for husbands and wives to discuss them and decide how they are going to make things work.

"I need a WIFE"
The traditional wife took care of the home and children, saw that everything ran smoothly and took care of husband, children and parents / in-laws. When the wife works outside the home, the husband worries: Who will see that the clothes are laundered, there's a hot meal on the table, the children and elderly parents are looked after? Who will welcome me home, be the nurturer and take care of me when I'm ill?

The truth is that both partners would love to have a "wife" who would take over all these responsibilities so that they are free to do their work in peace!
Today's couples need to find creative ways of getting all these tasks done (utilising outside help whenever possible) and be available to nurture each other. If both partners can share the household responsibilities, it would leave them with more time for each other. Do negotiate which tasks you would prefer to do ? and then perhaps split up the ones that you both hate! It's not always possible or even necessary to divide the work 50-50, as long as both partners feel it's fair. As always, communication is the key.

There's no time for each other
If both husband and wife work long hours, or even different shifts, there's no doubt that time will be in short supply. And without time spent together the relationship will suffer.
Dual career couples have to make conscious efforts to make time for each other. This may involve some planning and tweaking of schedules, but it does need to be given priority. Each partner needs to protect the little time they have. As far as possible, try to cut down on bringing work home, and try to keep phone calls to the minimum. While each of you does need some time with friends, this should not cut too much into couple time.


Handling a wife's success
Even a man who is truly proud of his wife's achievement / career may feel somewhat threatened when she succeeds, particularly if she earns more than he does. Traditional upbringing called for men to outrank their wives in income, education, status and power. A husband may worry that if his wife is successful she will no longer need him or respect him and that her behaviour towards him and his parents may change. Also, with success often comes longer working hours, perhaps more travel or even re-location; and this would certainly have an impact on married life. It is much better for these feelings to be brought up openly and discussed.

It really helps when both partners share the success rather than getting trapped into one-upmanship. A woman cannot give herself "permission to succeed" unless she has the wholehearted support and encouragement of her husband. (This is particularly important when there is lack of support from other family members.) It goes without saying that a husband needs his wife's support through the ups and downs of his career. So BOTH partners can take credit for each other's success.

Long Distance Relationships

In this day and age when we move away from our home town in search of better prospects, it is not unnatural to find ourselves in the middle of what we call a "Long Distance Relationship."

Some of us get into it knowingly and some of us just find ourselves in one, though it could have been the last thing we wanted. Both are equally difficult and no one scenario is easier than the other.

You can have a long distance relationship between two partners stuck in two different cities in the same country, or it could be two countries. The former has some advantage because if you really wanted to see your partner this weekend, you can. Whichever it is, it is not easy, and it is a challenge.

It is hard to imagine someone having a long distance relationship 20 years ago, without Internet, cell phones and what not. A snail mail would take ages to reach from another country and whatever was written in that would be outdated by the time it reached. Technology has played a huge role in making such relationships last, but beware; the same technology could cause your downfall.

Be Honest, and Do Not Cheat
This is where we need to be totally honest with ourselves. Being far away from our partner does not ever grant us the right to do what we want. One can do whatever one wants to with whoever one wants to, and one’s partner may never come to know about it. If you have ever done something like this, then be assured that your relationship has already taken a few steps back without your knowledge. At some point of time in future, it will come back to haunt you if not dealt with in the right way. This is something you could try: whenever you are in doubt, you could try to ask yourself how you would feel if your partner did what you were going to do. Would you approve him/her doing it? No? Would you feel hurt if he/she did it? Yes? Then you have no right to go ahead with whatever you were going to do.

Ever Felt Misunderstood?
It’s very easy to misunderstand your partners tone over the phone. Worse, it’s easier to misunderstand over the Internet. You can always tune words into what you want to hear and in that process the real meaning gets lost. Honestly, there is nothing much we can do about this. This is bound to happen often and I think that us being aware that it could be a misunderstanding, is a good start. Remember that what tone you got from her message, need not necessarily have to be the way she meant it to be.

Always Clarify
Being out of sight, you are sure to hear about your partner from friends and other known people. News can get twisted by the time it reaches you and it could be far from reality. Do not jump into a conclusion by listening to the words of a third person. Always clarify it with your partner and be careful to not use an accusing tone. You are not accusing them, but only clarifying what you heard and setting it straight.

Frustrated? Deal With It!
Frustrations will happen. Physical closeness is such an important part of any relationship and when that is missing, it could throw the system into chaos. But do you want to give it all up because of some temporary frustrations?

Along with distance, you will begin to see a new side to your partner. A side that you may wish never existed and this could always lead to frustrations and fights. Understand that no one comes with only positive traits. The negatives remain hidden at first and the closer you get, the more it is revealed. A cruel joke, don't you think? But you will feel this way irrespective of who you are with.

Space it Out
Frustrations and fights happen. Don't be in a hurry to resolve it. Some people tell their partner that they should never ever let the sun go down before they resolve an issue. It does not always work that way. What’s the hurry? You may be able to can cool down and resolve something in a few minutes and you would love to have it that way. Your partner on the other hand, needs more space and time before he/she has cooled down and sometimes this could extend into the next day. Remember that different people have different time spans before that are ready to talk about or resolve an issue. So respect your partner’s space.

Surprise Does Magic
Do things those are unexpected. Send a snail mail. Nothing beats the feeling of receiving something that was hand written by your partner. It feels more real and there is a different kind of connection. Plan a surprise call when your partner is not expecting one. If it goes unanswered, worry not, try later. If it goes through, just say, "I called to say that I love you." You can also send some packages occasionally that would surprise your partner. The scopes of surprises are unlimited. Be creative and put an extra conscious effort into it always. The benefits are great.

Believe, for it shall pass
The distance is not permanent. It shall pass in due time. Ask yourself if what you have is worth holding on to, in spite of the hardships. If the answer is yes, then the pain, anger and frustrations of a long distance relationship are really worth it. Don't ever give up on something so precious, because of distance. How bad can a few months or years be? You both have a lifetime together…

Trust is the Key
Trust is the most important factor in a long distance relationship and any relationship. You cannot doubt and you cannot keep checking on your partner. You need to trust them blindly and this can be a very hard thing to come by, especially if you have had your trust broken in the past. It is important to work towards believing for a fact that your partner would not let you down and be assured that your partner believes the same of you. If you ever see a small doubt creeping in, be sure to address it as soon as possible and clear it with your partner. If you ignore it, it will only grow like a tumor, until it’s too late to cure.

No Conditions
You need to trust your partner unconditionally. Never use statements like, "I will trust you if you call me everyday." Or, "I will trust you if you mail me everyday." Remember that your partner is not your hostage. The phone may not ring for a few days and your inbox may remain empty and that in no way means your partner has stopped loving you. Trust them even if you don't hear from them for a while. There is always a good reason. You may also have expectations, but it in no way means that they have to be met. Some would be met and some may not. Appreciate your partner for what they do for you.

No answer? Don't Panic
Ever tried calling your partner and all the phone did was ring on and on? And what did you think? That he/she has forgotten about you and moved on? I agree that it could be the most frustrating feeling for you. It is for everyone, and calling becomes more complex because you are both in two different cities with a very different work schedule that could complicate things. Ask yourself what could have happened before you jump to any conclusions. Your partner could be at work. The phone would have run out of battery or it may have been on silent mode. Maybe they did not hear it, and hey, maybe they did not want to talk to you that day. Is there a rule that states that your partner should be willing to speak to you whenever you want to?

Dealing with Emotions: Gender Differences

Women across the world complain about their partners saying, “He never talks about his feelings” or worse, “He is so insensitive – he turns around and goes to sleep even as I am crying!” Although there are exceptions to every rule, it is generally said that women are more emotional and communicative while men are practical and solution focused.

Men have often been blamed for their lack of emotional expression – barring anger – and most women believe that their marriage or relationship would be far more fulfilling if only the man would be more responsive and expressive with regard to emotions. It is true that women are far more in-tune with their emotions and perhaps are able to express the same with greater ease, but it would be presumptuous to believe that men do not have emotions. After all, they are just as human and have the same emotions. So then, why are so few men able to respond and express emotionally?


There may be several contributing factors, the first of which is something that we all have often heard and blamed: socialization. In most cultures, boy children are told “boys don’t cry” and are given other similar messages. A growing boy learns that emotions which are “weak” such as fear, sadness etc. must be avoided and learns to express all these emotions manifested as anger. Anger is one of the few emotions that gives one a feeling of power and control and hence is an “acceptable” emotion for men.


Another factor is difference in problem-solving; when a woman is upset she is likely to feel better after discussing it with a friend, even though there may not be a “solution” that she has arrived at. Men on the other hand are always looking for solutions – so when a woman is complaining to her husband about her terribly mean boss, he is likely to respond in a way that provides a solution, such as perhaps, “If he is so annoying, why don’t you quit / look for another job?” Typically this response would be the last thing a woman is looking for at that time, because what she wants is some understanding, acceptance and discussion. The time for solutions is later; right now she wants to be heard!


Men on the other hand do not believe in discussions and would discuss a problem with a friend only when they need help or a solution and hence he is trying to do what he thinks best when he offers the woman a solution!


Apart from the above, research suggests that there is another reason why men seem to avoid emotions – a popular research study compared the responses of young boys and young girls to recordings of babies crying. The initial results showed that the boy children switched off the recordings much earlier than the girls, and hence appeared to be “insensitive” to the pain of the babies in the recordings.


However, on further investigation it was revealed that the boys showed much higher levels of stress on hearing the babies crying, than the female counterparts. The boys had higher levels of stress hormones such as cortisol, showed higher blood pressure and pulse rate – basically proving that the recordings of the babies crying actually affected (physically) the boys more than it affected the girls. Men are more sensitive to emotions and hence are more likely to avoid it, as an instinctive survival mechanism, by either getting away from the situation physically (walking out) or psychologically (shutting himself off or going to sleep). Ironically then, men are perhaps the “weaker sex”! In fact, old men are much more likely to die soon after the loss of his partner than an elderly wife if she loses her husband.


The reason could be that women are “programmed” for motherhood and hence are more able to deal with the stress of emotions, whereas men, who historically had the role of the hunter-gatherer actually learnt to put away these emotions in order to be successful at his job of hunting and gathering food for his family back in the cave!


Having understood the possible reasons that may make a man seem “insensitive” it is also important to make the required modifications in interactions, which can make not only marriage, but all interactions between the genders more fulfilling.


For Women
Keep in mind that emotions can be overwhelming and extremely stressful for a man and hence he might be avoiding it to protect himself. Of course, some discussions cannot be avoided and hence while discussing important aspects that you want him to pay attention to, keep the emotional expression to the minimum. Instead of saying “I feel…” or indulging in other overt displays of emotions such as crying, it would be better to keep the discussion action oriented by saying something like “It might be a good idea if we do such-and-such about that”.

Also, make sure you have plenty of female company to discuss and ventilate your emotions with!

For Men
A man must also realize that women need to off load sometimes, and when his partner is worried or upset about something, he can ask her if she wants to talk about it. And of course, it would be important to resist the urge to “solve” the problem, especially if she hasn’t yet expressed herself fully!

And of course, practice makes perfect, so keep practicing – women at avoiding emotions in discussions and men need to practice dealing with emotions!