How to turn acquaintance into Friend

A friend is a present you give yourself- Robert Louis Stevenson

Nothing can add more to your life than having truly intimate friends. When you are in school or college, it's comparatively easy to make friends, but as you move away from this supportive group, it can be much harder to develop close friendships. Many people find themselves in a position where they have many casual acquaintances but hardly any close friends with whom they can really be themselves and share their thoughts and feelings. It is possible though to build a friendship if you are willing to put in effort and time (one researcher estimates that it can take up to three years to build a true friend!)

Share something about yourself

Look around among the people you interact with ? is there someone who seems to be a potential friend? Chances are that all you've said to each other is ?Hi, How are you?? ?I'm fine thanks? - or something equally trivial. Perhaps you've discussed work, politics or the weather. But the first step in establishing a closer friendship is to begin sharing something about yourself ? otherwise known as self-disclosure. Start by sharing a few private thoughts. If the other person is not responsive, don?t think of this as rejection ? he may have reasons of his own. On the other hand he may reciprocate, and then you?re on your way to getting closer.

Listen carefully

When you truly pay attention, you convey to the person that you care about her and value her. This means that you look at her while she speaks, avoid being distracted and make an attempt to understand. If the person is sharing a problem you don?t need to solve it for her, just allow her to speak. Listening seems easy, but it is really a skill that requires practice and self-discipline.

Talk!

While it's important to listen, talking is also an integral part of friendship. When a friend reveals ideas or feelings, he expects shared information in return. If you don't take your turn in talking, the other person feels you're not really interested. The person who is always listening is playing the role of a counsellor, not a friend. And if you find yourself talking for more than a couple of minutes without participation from the other person, perhaps you are lecturing or treating the other person as a counsellor.

Be Loyal

A good friend is loyal and trustworthy. If a friend confides in you she has the right to expect you to be loyal and keep his/ her secrets. If you have something against a friend, tell him or her directly. Nothing can be more damaging to a friendship than to hear from someone else that your friend has been complaining about you.

Allow Time for friendship to grow

Friendships are built s..l..o..w..l..y..... Children are able to make friends quickly, but adult friendships have to be nurtured carefully. It takes time to really understand each other, work through conflicts and build up trust. But the rewards of a tried and-true friendship far outweigh the difficulties of getting there!

Parents and Adult Children

The bond between parent and child is a very special one. Parents invest much of the most productive years of their lives with their children – providing for them, taking care of their physical needs, showering love and affection on them, and of course disciplining them. They share their children’s joys, burst with pride over their successes and are deeply distressed when their children experience sorrow or pain. Parents do whatever they can to instil good values in their children and hope that they will grow up to be competent, happy, good human beings. In the process, parents may make a lot of sacrifices for their children – which they do out of love.

Children in turn love their parents, depend on them, respect and honor them, and (most of the time!) obey them. They turn to them in times of difficulty, knowing deep down that parents always have their best interest at heart.

All this is fairly clear and well-understood when children are… well, children; when they are physically, emotionally and financially dependent on their parents. But what happens when the ‘child’ becomes an adult? Does the relationship remain the same? Should it?

The old saying goes ‘A daughter is a daughter all her life’, and the fact is, this also applies to sons and to fathers and mothers. The parent-child relationship WILL go on right through one’s life – it is a special bond that cannot be compared with any other.

The problem arises when it is assumed that the relationship will not change in any way. Grown up sons or daughters cannot relate to parents in the same way as they did when they were children. They will now need to make their own decisions, be independent, handle their own problems and bring up their own families. They no longer have to obey their parents, although they certainly need to be grateful, to honor, respect and of course love them.

Making the transition can be difficult both for the ‘child’ as well as for the parents. How do they adjust to a new type of relationship without compromising on the love and affection they share? Both sides will have to take certain steps.

What can you as an 'adult child' do to maintain your relationship with parents?

Make sure you spend time with them. If you live in the same house, set aside some time to chat with them and listen to them. If you live in a separate home, then visit regularly, call or email. Even if you live very far away, email, telephones and ‘Skype’ can keep you connected. It’s amazing how people of all ages are willing to learn new technological skills if they will help them stay connected with children and grandchildren!

Share what’s going on in your life. Your parents looked at your kindergarten scribbling with so much joy and pride – they are still waiting to hear all about what you are doing. Even if they do not understand all about your work, they are still interested in knowing about your successes and would like to know what’s happening in your family life.

Ask them for their opinions and advice. In India we have always given tremendous value to older people, and this is a tradition well worth continuing. Older people have so much life experience. Your parents may not be in tune with all the intricate challenges that you face in your career, but they do have wisdom that comes from facing life’s ups and downs. Why lose out on this? It will also help them realize that you still value them.

Express love and gratitude in whatever way seems most appropriate to you and to them. Expensive gifts are less valued than time, and evidence that you are thinking of them.

But….

As an adult, you must also tactfully help your parents realize that you are now an independent, mature individual. You will have to communicate that while you would like your parents’ opinions and advice, you must make your own decisions. If you are married, then you and your spouse will have to take many decisions together which will affect your future, and these may not always be in line with what your parents want you to do. You will also need to spend time with your spouse and children, without your parents.

This may not be easy, but if you continue to show love and respect as indicated above, it will help them not to feel rejected. You may have to be firm and not give in even if parents repeatedly pressurize you to do things their way. They mean it for the best, but it is you and your family who will have to live with the consequences. Remember that now that you are and adult, you can (and should) show your gratitude to your parents by loving and respecting them, but not necessarily by obeying them.

And of course, you cannot expect to be treated like a mature adult if you keep running back to your parents to ‘rescue’ you – whether financially or emotionally.

If you are the parent of an ‘adult child’:
Do remember that your ‘child’ is now grown up. You have put your best efforts into bringing him or her up. It is now time to let them go and trust that all that you did when they were growing up will pay off now. Don’t think that they are rejecting you –just because they need to live their own lives now it doesn’t mean that they do not love you. But now that you are not responsible for their well-being, they can be more like friends to you.

Some hints:
Give advice when you are asked for it. There may be many times when you are sure that you know better. Try to wait until you are asked for your opinion and even then, do not insist that they follow your advice. Sometimes you will have to allow them to make their own mistakes. And perhaps next time they will ask you sooner!

Don’t over-protect them. Perhaps your son/daughter is not earning very much and cannot afford the luxuries they were used to. Don’t rush in to buy whatever they need or give them a loan. It will be good for them to learn to manage – this helps them become stronger and more resilient. Of course there may be a real emergency when you may have to help but this should not be the norm. Similarly don’t be too ready to step in and fight their battles for them – this especially applies to your married children.

Give them space: they need to spend time with their spouse, their children, friends of their own ages. This is natural, and it does not mean that you do not matter to them.

Enjoy your free time! Now that your children are grown up, your life no longer needs to revolve around your children. This is your opportunity to take up a hobby that you had no time for when you were busy running a home. Pick up that musical instrument, gardening or doing volunteer work. Perhaps you could travel and see parts of the country or the world that you have never been to. Get in touch with friends and relatives and spend time with them. Instead of focusing on the ‘empty nest’, think of all you can do with your free time as a couple, not just as parents. This applies even if your grown children live at home.

Let your children know that you are available: Your children will always appreciate the unconditional love that you as a parent can give them. Don’t insist that they come as a duty. But when you are a refuge where they can come and be rejuvenated, they will come home to you.

In many families there have been hurts and problems during the growing up years. Parents may have been too strict or too lenient. Perhaps one child felt that the parents favored the other sibling. There may have been some form of abuse in the family. One or both parents may have been distant or even absent. Parents may have had their own marital problems or have been separated / divorced with subsequent impact on the children.

Grown children will need to forgive their parents, recognizing that they are only human and therefore would have made mistakes. Holding on to grievances only leads to bitterness and unhappiness. If you are in such a situation and find it hard to let go, counseling could help.

Assertion: A style of Communication

Ever find that you end up saying “yes” to a colleague who wants to hand over some of their work to you and rush of on a weekend trip with family; leading to you spending a weekend in office…

…Or saying “yes” for a relative’s lunch when all you wanted was a lazy Sunday at home with your family…

…Or going to see a movie you do not really care for with friends.

Do you wish that you could say “no” more often without fear of offending or hurting anyone?

If the answer to the above is “yes”…you probably need to learn some skills of Assertion.
The good news is that skills can be learnt and you too can become Assertive person.

What is Assertion?
Assertion is, in fact, a communication style. It is a style in which you can communicate your needs, wants and feelings to other people without hurting them, or misusing them or manipulating them.

Being assertive would mean that you could behave and communicate such that you could come away from situations without continually feeling bad about yourself, without feeling compromised. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends.

The Assertive communications posture says:
"I count and you do too."

The alternate styles of expressing oneself are:

Aggressive Style: Aggressiveness involves expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate, threatening and punishing. The aim is to get your own way no matter what.

The Aggressive communications posture says:
"I count but you don't count."

Passive Style: It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our own needs while communicating a message of inferiority to others. The nonassertive person decides that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to be a victim.

The Passive communications posture says:
"You count, but I don’t."

Passive Aggressive Style: The passive aggressive person uses nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can't express verbally. They repress their feelings and end up showing anger and resentment is ways such as sulking. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. Not giving up work in time after having agreed to do so is an example.

The passive aggressive communications posture says;
“I count, you don’t count, but I am not going to tell you that.”

Learning Assertiveness or Assertiveness Training does not concern itself with the causes of the problem but rather with the development of appropriate skills to cope with them.

Are you Lonely?

Our cities are so full of people - it may seem strange to think that anyone can be lonely. But the fact is that one can be lonely in a crowd, and in fact it can be harder to establish relationships in a crowded city that in a quiet small town.

Loneliness is a painful awareness of not having the relationships you need. Some people are lonely because they have moved to a new city and do not have a network of friends. Others may have many contacts but lack closer relationships.

Loneliness is seen across all age groups. Single people are more likely to be lonely than married people, but marriage is no guarantee of avoiding loneliness. The unhappily married person or the housebound wife may be very lonely. Both men and women feel lonely (but women are more likely to admit).

A lonely person is likely to have negative feelings - he or she may feel depressed, bored, sorry for self, sad and may even think he is unattractive and that no one will like him. Some lonely people become problem drinkers. Perhaps most serious of all, loneliness threatens life itself. One of the most clearly identified characteristics of potential suicide victims is their sense of loneliness.

What causes loneliness?

In large cities, people tend to protect themselves from over stimulation by limiting their involvement with those they do not know.

This makes it more difficult for a new person to make friends. At the same time, more people are moving away from the place where they grew up and need to make new friends.

Young adults and adolescents, in particular, feel ashamed to be seen alone. Avoiding this embarrassment contributes to their loneliness by keeping them away from places where they might meet people.

So what can you do about loneliness? 

Only someone who has experienced loneliness can know how painful it is. Often a lonely person will just stay alone, think gloomy thoughts and fell depressed. While this is a natural thing to do, it doesn't help one get out of the loneliness.

Some people try to escape from loneliness by sleeping for longer hours, overeating, drinking alone, watching TV or spending all their free time on the internet! None of these make any change in the situation.

More constructive ways of coping include ways of reaching out to others. Some ideas are given below.

What to Do:

• Accept invitations when they are offered. Sometimes you wonder if someone is only inviting you over because they have to or because they are sorry for you. Go anyway. You could meet someone new.
• Phone someone, visit them or invite them over - or plan to meet somewhere. A casual acquaintance could turn into a friend.
• Be responsive in conversation. Show people that you are interested in what they say by smiling and nodding.
• Ask questions to keep the conversation flowing - and really listen to the answers. This will help others to find it rewarding to talk to you.
• Be open to the interests of other people.
• Draw attention to interests you have in common.

What NOT to Do:

• Do not stay away from people to hide your loneliness.
• Do not make negative remarks about yourself.
• Try not to think critical thoughts about people you meet.
• Do not think you have to be exceptionally clever or attractive to be liked