Choosing a partner for life

Whether you plan to have an "arranged marriage" or to marry the person of your own choice, it is important to think whether both of you are compatible. Although there is no formula for the perfect partnership, research does indicate some important factors that have an impact on marriage.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself with that special person in mind:

How similar are you in age, interests, values, socioeconomic level, education, religion?
It's not impossible to have a successful marriage when there are major differences, but it is much harder. Some of these factors may not seem very important to you now, but when you are together through the years they may be a source of trouble.

Are your needs, likes and dislikes Complementary" or "Contradictory"?
If one of you likes to talk a lot while the other prefers to listen and observe, you will complement or balance each other and the relationship could remain smooth. But if one partner likes to party every night and the other hates parties and wants to stay at home, they have contradictory needs and frequent conflicts are likely.

Do you find the person attractive?
Feelings of attraction should never be the only basis for choosing a partner, but if there are no positive feelings, this should not be ignored.

Are both of you adaptable?
How willing are you to adjust to differences? Are you willing to do things a little differently if it will make your partner more comfortable?

Are you both emotionally stable?
Are you able to accept your feelings and express them appropriately? Or are you inclined to bottle up your feelings or "blow up" at the least provocation?

Can you communicate freely on a range of subjects?
Are you sensitive to each other and do you understand each others views? Can you say what you really think or are you constantly trying to make a good impression?

Finally, are both of you ready to commit yourselves for a lifetime?
Both of you have to be willing to work at your marriage through good circumstances and bad. That may sound unromantic, but it's the only way to "live happily ever after".

Assertion: A style of Communication

Ever find that you end up saying “yes” to a colleague who wants to hand over some of their work to you and rush of on a weekend trip with family; leading to you spending a weekend in office…

…Or saying “yes” for a relative’s lunch when all you wanted was a lazy Sunday at home with your family…

…Or going to see a movie you do not really care for with friends.

Do you wish that you could say “no” more often without fear of offending or hurting anyone?

If the answer to the above is “yes”…you probably need to learn some skills of Assertion.
The good news is that skills can be learnt and you too can become Assertive person.

What is Assertion?
Assertion is, in fact, a communication style. It is a style in which you can communicate your needs, wants and feelings to other people without hurting them, or misusing them or manipulating them.

Being assertive would mean that you could behave and communicate such that you could come away from situations without continually feeling bad about yourself, without feeling compromised. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends.

The Assertive communications posture says:
"I count and you do too."

The alternate styles of expressing oneself are:

Aggressive Style: Aggressiveness involves expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate, threatening and punishing. The aim is to get your own way no matter what.

The Aggressive communications posture says:
"I count but you don't count."

Passive Style: It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our own needs while communicating a message of inferiority to others. The nonassertive person decides that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to be a victim.

The Passive communications posture says:
"You count, but I don’t."

Passive Aggressive Style: The passive aggressive person uses nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can't express verbally. They repress their feelings and end up showing anger and resentment is ways such as sulking. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. Not giving up work in time after having agreed to do so is an example.

The passive aggressive communications posture says;
“I count, you don’t count, but I am not going to tell you that.”

Learning Assertiveness or Assertiveness Training does not concern itself with the causes of the problem but rather with the development of appropriate skills to cope with them.

How to strengthen marriage

Our relationships with our spouses have an impact on all areas of our life. How committed and compatible we are and the degree of satisfaction we experience directly affects our productivity. Research indicates that those who are happy at home are less stressed at their workplace.

Here are few points for developing a strong and healthy relationship with your partner.

Communicate with each other. A couple should take time to talk and exchange information, ideas and day-to-day experiences. If as a couple you hardly have time to communicate with each other, do schedule a regular time, which is acceptable to both of you. It could be just before sleeping at dinnertime or as you have your morning tea. You can start off sharing one good thing and one difficult thing about the day. This gives a chance for both to talk and is key to a lasting relationship.

Active listening. Listening forms the core of communication. Too often when we are quiet we are not listening but waiting to reply. Listening involves intently trying to understand what the other is saying. It implies that you comprehend what the other is saying instead of looking for weakness in your mate's argument. Active listening promotes clarity and understanding between the two.

Schedule outings together. Sometimes although we have every intention of spending time with our spouse, we find ourselves driven by a schedule that has us running in every direction, leaving us little time for our most important relationship. Plan your work and responsibilities so that you both have time to go for movies, plays, dinner, an ice-cream or just for a drive.

Show your love and affection. Try to find out what ways your partner likes receiving love from you - it could be undivided attention, time, gifts, cards, personal touch or could be simply verbalizing your emotions. Make a conscious effort to begin showing your love to your spouse.

Consider your partners' interests more important than your own. When each person has decided to give of himself or herself to the other, you form a reciprocating relationship of love, concern, and devotion. When you come to a place where you disagree or where the two of you have differing opinions, try to get to the point where you can consider what your mate likes as more important than what you would like to do. The simple decision to do this goes a long way toward developing a healthy relationship!

Forgive. In some relationships, each partner holds something against the other and both are unwilling to forgive. The fact is that your mate is going to fail you from time to time. We need to understand that. What we do when we get to that point however, is what will make all the difference in the world. In a relationship that is going to last, the people involved are committed to forgiving one another. Those whose relationships last longest, and will be the healthiest, are those who are committed to forgiveness.

Working Wife - issues and remedies

Traditionally men have been the bread-winners and women took care of the home. In today's world large numbers of women are working outside the home and this trend is on the increase. Most men are happy to have working wives. They are glad to have the additional income and proud of their wives? achievements. They may find it easier to discuss work since their wives understand the world of work. And it can be a tremendous relief not to be the sole provider for the family.But there's the down side too. There are fears about how the home will run, lack of time for each other, perhaps even a change in the husband-wife equation. These are very real concerns and it is important for husbands and wives to discuss them and decide how they are going to make things work.

"I need a WIFE"
The traditional wife took care of the home and children, saw that everything ran smoothly and took care of husband, children and parents / in-laws. When the wife works outside the home, the husband worries: Who will see that the clothes are laundered, there's a hot meal on the table, the children and elderly parents are looked after? Who will welcome me home, be the nurturer and take care of me when I'm ill?

The truth is that both partners would love to have a "wife" who would take over all these responsibilities so that they are free to do their work in peace!
Today's couples need to find creative ways of getting all these tasks done (utilising outside help whenever possible) and be available to nurture each other. If both partners can share the household responsibilities, it would leave them with more time for each other. Do negotiate which tasks you would prefer to do ? and then perhaps split up the ones that you both hate! It's not always possible or even necessary to divide the work 50-50, as long as both partners feel it's fair. As always, communication is the key.

There's no time for each other
If both husband and wife work long hours, or even different shifts, there's no doubt that time will be in short supply. And without time spent together the relationship will suffer.
Dual career couples have to make conscious efforts to make time for each other. This may involve some planning and tweaking of schedules, but it does need to be given priority. Each partner needs to protect the little time they have. As far as possible, try to cut down on bringing work home, and try to keep phone calls to the minimum. While each of you does need some time with friends, this should not cut too much into couple time.


Handling a wife's success
Even a man who is truly proud of his wife's achievement / career may feel somewhat threatened when she succeeds, particularly if she earns more than he does. Traditional upbringing called for men to outrank their wives in income, education, status and power. A husband may worry that if his wife is successful she will no longer need him or respect him and that her behaviour towards him and his parents may change. Also, with success often comes longer working hours, perhaps more travel or even re-location; and this would certainly have an impact on married life. It is much better for these feelings to be brought up openly and discussed.

It really helps when both partners share the success rather than getting trapped into one-upmanship. A woman cannot give herself "permission to succeed" unless she has the wholehearted support and encouragement of her husband. (This is particularly important when there is lack of support from other family members.) It goes without saying that a husband needs his wife's support through the ups and downs of his career. So BOTH partners can take credit for each other's success.

Long Distance Relationships

In this day and age when we move away from our home town in search of better prospects, it is not unnatural to find ourselves in the middle of what we call a "Long Distance Relationship."

Some of us get into it knowingly and some of us just find ourselves in one, though it could have been the last thing we wanted. Both are equally difficult and no one scenario is easier than the other.

You can have a long distance relationship between two partners stuck in two different cities in the same country, or it could be two countries. The former has some advantage because if you really wanted to see your partner this weekend, you can. Whichever it is, it is not easy, and it is a challenge.

It is hard to imagine someone having a long distance relationship 20 years ago, without Internet, cell phones and what not. A snail mail would take ages to reach from another country and whatever was written in that would be outdated by the time it reached. Technology has played a huge role in making such relationships last, but beware; the same technology could cause your downfall.

Be Honest, and Do Not Cheat
This is where we need to be totally honest with ourselves. Being far away from our partner does not ever grant us the right to do what we want. One can do whatever one wants to with whoever one wants to, and one’s partner may never come to know about it. If you have ever done something like this, then be assured that your relationship has already taken a few steps back without your knowledge. At some point of time in future, it will come back to haunt you if not dealt with in the right way. This is something you could try: whenever you are in doubt, you could try to ask yourself how you would feel if your partner did what you were going to do. Would you approve him/her doing it? No? Would you feel hurt if he/she did it? Yes? Then you have no right to go ahead with whatever you were going to do.

Ever Felt Misunderstood?
It’s very easy to misunderstand your partners tone over the phone. Worse, it’s easier to misunderstand over the Internet. You can always tune words into what you want to hear and in that process the real meaning gets lost. Honestly, there is nothing much we can do about this. This is bound to happen often and I think that us being aware that it could be a misunderstanding, is a good start. Remember that what tone you got from her message, need not necessarily have to be the way she meant it to be.

Always Clarify
Being out of sight, you are sure to hear about your partner from friends and other known people. News can get twisted by the time it reaches you and it could be far from reality. Do not jump into a conclusion by listening to the words of a third person. Always clarify it with your partner and be careful to not use an accusing tone. You are not accusing them, but only clarifying what you heard and setting it straight.

Frustrated? Deal With It!
Frustrations will happen. Physical closeness is such an important part of any relationship and when that is missing, it could throw the system into chaos. But do you want to give it all up because of some temporary frustrations?

Along with distance, you will begin to see a new side to your partner. A side that you may wish never existed and this could always lead to frustrations and fights. Understand that no one comes with only positive traits. The negatives remain hidden at first and the closer you get, the more it is revealed. A cruel joke, don't you think? But you will feel this way irrespective of who you are with.

Space it Out
Frustrations and fights happen. Don't be in a hurry to resolve it. Some people tell their partner that they should never ever let the sun go down before they resolve an issue. It does not always work that way. What’s the hurry? You may be able to can cool down and resolve something in a few minutes and you would love to have it that way. Your partner on the other hand, needs more space and time before he/she has cooled down and sometimes this could extend into the next day. Remember that different people have different time spans before that are ready to talk about or resolve an issue. So respect your partner’s space.

Surprise Does Magic
Do things those are unexpected. Send a snail mail. Nothing beats the feeling of receiving something that was hand written by your partner. It feels more real and there is a different kind of connection. Plan a surprise call when your partner is not expecting one. If it goes unanswered, worry not, try later. If it goes through, just say, "I called to say that I love you." You can also send some packages occasionally that would surprise your partner. The scopes of surprises are unlimited. Be creative and put an extra conscious effort into it always. The benefits are great.

Believe, for it shall pass
The distance is not permanent. It shall pass in due time. Ask yourself if what you have is worth holding on to, in spite of the hardships. If the answer is yes, then the pain, anger and frustrations of a long distance relationship are really worth it. Don't ever give up on something so precious, because of distance. How bad can a few months or years be? You both have a lifetime together…

Trust is the Key
Trust is the most important factor in a long distance relationship and any relationship. You cannot doubt and you cannot keep checking on your partner. You need to trust them blindly and this can be a very hard thing to come by, especially if you have had your trust broken in the past. It is important to work towards believing for a fact that your partner would not let you down and be assured that your partner believes the same of you. If you ever see a small doubt creeping in, be sure to address it as soon as possible and clear it with your partner. If you ignore it, it will only grow like a tumor, until it’s too late to cure.

No Conditions
You need to trust your partner unconditionally. Never use statements like, "I will trust you if you call me everyday." Or, "I will trust you if you mail me everyday." Remember that your partner is not your hostage. The phone may not ring for a few days and your inbox may remain empty and that in no way means your partner has stopped loving you. Trust them even if you don't hear from them for a while. There is always a good reason. You may also have expectations, but it in no way means that they have to be met. Some would be met and some may not. Appreciate your partner for what they do for you.

No answer? Don't Panic
Ever tried calling your partner and all the phone did was ring on and on? And what did you think? That he/she has forgotten about you and moved on? I agree that it could be the most frustrating feeling for you. It is for everyone, and calling becomes more complex because you are both in two different cities with a very different work schedule that could complicate things. Ask yourself what could have happened before you jump to any conclusions. Your partner could be at work. The phone would have run out of battery or it may have been on silent mode. Maybe they did not hear it, and hey, maybe they did not want to talk to you that day. Is there a rule that states that your partner should be willing to speak to you whenever you want to?

Are you Lonely?

Our cities are so full of people - it may seem strange to think that anyone can be lonely. But the fact is that one can be lonely in a crowd, and in fact it can be harder to establish relationships in a crowded city that in a quiet small town.

Loneliness is a painful awareness of not having the relationships you need. Some people are lonely because they have moved to a new city and do not have a network of friends. Others may have many contacts but lack closer relationships.

Loneliness is seen across all age groups. Single people are more likely to be lonely than married people, but marriage is no guarantee of avoiding loneliness. The unhappily married person or the housebound wife may be very lonely. Both men and women feel lonely (but women are more likely to admit).

A lonely person is likely to have negative feelings - he or she may feel depressed, bored, sorry for self, sad and may even think he is unattractive and that no one will like him. Some lonely people become problem drinkers. Perhaps most serious of all, loneliness threatens life itself. One of the most clearly identified characteristics of potential suicide victims is their sense of loneliness.

What causes loneliness?

In large cities, people tend to protect themselves from over stimulation by limiting their involvement with those they do not know.

This makes it more difficult for a new person to make friends. At the same time, more people are moving away from the place where they grew up and need to make new friends.

Young adults and adolescents, in particular, feel ashamed to be seen alone. Avoiding this embarrassment contributes to their loneliness by keeping them away from places where they might meet people.

So what can you do about loneliness? 

Only someone who has experienced loneliness can know how painful it is. Often a lonely person will just stay alone, think gloomy thoughts and fell depressed. While this is a natural thing to do, it doesn't help one get out of the loneliness.

Some people try to escape from loneliness by sleeping for longer hours, overeating, drinking alone, watching TV or spending all their free time on the internet! None of these make any change in the situation.

More constructive ways of coping include ways of reaching out to others. Some ideas are given below.

What to Do:

• Accept invitations when they are offered. Sometimes you wonder if someone is only inviting you over because they have to or because they are sorry for you. Go anyway. You could meet someone new.
• Phone someone, visit them or invite them over - or plan to meet somewhere. A casual acquaintance could turn into a friend.
• Be responsive in conversation. Show people that you are interested in what they say by smiling and nodding.
• Ask questions to keep the conversation flowing - and really listen to the answers. This will help others to find it rewarding to talk to you.
• Be open to the interests of other people.
• Draw attention to interests you have in common.

What NOT to Do:

• Do not stay away from people to hide your loneliness.
• Do not make negative remarks about yourself.
• Try not to think critical thoughts about people you meet.
• Do not think you have to be exceptionally clever or attractive to be liked

Dealing with Emotions: Gender Differences

Women across the world complain about their partners saying, “He never talks about his feelings” or worse, “He is so insensitive – he turns around and goes to sleep even as I am crying!” Although there are exceptions to every rule, it is generally said that women are more emotional and communicative while men are practical and solution focused.

Men have often been blamed for their lack of emotional expression – barring anger – and most women believe that their marriage or relationship would be far more fulfilling if only the man would be more responsive and expressive with regard to emotions. It is true that women are far more in-tune with their emotions and perhaps are able to express the same with greater ease, but it would be presumptuous to believe that men do not have emotions. After all, they are just as human and have the same emotions. So then, why are so few men able to respond and express emotionally?


There may be several contributing factors, the first of which is something that we all have often heard and blamed: socialization. In most cultures, boy children are told “boys don’t cry” and are given other similar messages. A growing boy learns that emotions which are “weak” such as fear, sadness etc. must be avoided and learns to express all these emotions manifested as anger. Anger is one of the few emotions that gives one a feeling of power and control and hence is an “acceptable” emotion for men.


Another factor is difference in problem-solving; when a woman is upset she is likely to feel better after discussing it with a friend, even though there may not be a “solution” that she has arrived at. Men on the other hand are always looking for solutions – so when a woman is complaining to her husband about her terribly mean boss, he is likely to respond in a way that provides a solution, such as perhaps, “If he is so annoying, why don’t you quit / look for another job?” Typically this response would be the last thing a woman is looking for at that time, because what she wants is some understanding, acceptance and discussion. The time for solutions is later; right now she wants to be heard!


Men on the other hand do not believe in discussions and would discuss a problem with a friend only when they need help or a solution and hence he is trying to do what he thinks best when he offers the woman a solution!


Apart from the above, research suggests that there is another reason why men seem to avoid emotions – a popular research study compared the responses of young boys and young girls to recordings of babies crying. The initial results showed that the boy children switched off the recordings much earlier than the girls, and hence appeared to be “insensitive” to the pain of the babies in the recordings.


However, on further investigation it was revealed that the boys showed much higher levels of stress on hearing the babies crying, than the female counterparts. The boys had higher levels of stress hormones such as cortisol, showed higher blood pressure and pulse rate – basically proving that the recordings of the babies crying actually affected (physically) the boys more than it affected the girls. Men are more sensitive to emotions and hence are more likely to avoid it, as an instinctive survival mechanism, by either getting away from the situation physically (walking out) or psychologically (shutting himself off or going to sleep). Ironically then, men are perhaps the “weaker sex”! In fact, old men are much more likely to die soon after the loss of his partner than an elderly wife if she loses her husband.


The reason could be that women are “programmed” for motherhood and hence are more able to deal with the stress of emotions, whereas men, who historically had the role of the hunter-gatherer actually learnt to put away these emotions in order to be successful at his job of hunting and gathering food for his family back in the cave!


Having understood the possible reasons that may make a man seem “insensitive” it is also important to make the required modifications in interactions, which can make not only marriage, but all interactions between the genders more fulfilling.


For Women
Keep in mind that emotions can be overwhelming and extremely stressful for a man and hence he might be avoiding it to protect himself. Of course, some discussions cannot be avoided and hence while discussing important aspects that you want him to pay attention to, keep the emotional expression to the minimum. Instead of saying “I feel…” or indulging in other overt displays of emotions such as crying, it would be better to keep the discussion action oriented by saying something like “It might be a good idea if we do such-and-such about that”.

Also, make sure you have plenty of female company to discuss and ventilate your emotions with!

For Men
A man must also realize that women need to off load sometimes, and when his partner is worried or upset about something, he can ask her if she wants to talk about it. And of course, it would be important to resist the urge to “solve” the problem, especially if she hasn’t yet expressed herself fully!

And of course, practice makes perfect, so keep practicing – women at avoiding emotions in discussions and men need to practice dealing with emotions!